For more than 30 years, as a physician, a healthcare executive, and now an executive advisor, I’ve watched accomplished women lead by two sets of rules: the ones they were raised on, and the ones others use to judge their leadership. I help them see both clearly so they stop over-explaining decisions they’re qualified to make, hold their position under pushback, and lead with an ease they didn’t have before.
What is it with women and confidence?
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I held off on teaching about confidence for years, because the women I work with are accomplished leaders. Experts in their craft. Good at leading their teams. Succeeding by all external measures. But they’re not advancing in leadership the way they’d like. Or they’re not showing up as powerfully in their leadership role as they know they could be. So what gives? Women have received mixed messages their entire lives. Messages that helped us succeed early in our careers but are now holding us back. Here’s how my own mixed messages started. “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.” But also, “good girls” are kind. They aren’t bossy. And they don’t brag about themselves or their accomplishments. And the confusing part is these mixed messages came from the same person. My mother. Many of us were socialized with similar mixed messages. So we excelled and achieved and succeeded. Because at first, hard work and teamwork were all it took to get ahead. Boys, on the other hand, were socialized to be bold and brave and take charge. But leadership, especially if we want to advance beyond front-line leadership roles, asks more of us. And this is where those mixed messages catch up with us and can trip us up. We’re still carrying two identities that conflict with each other: the strong, intelligent, accomplished professional, and the woman who still carries the “good girl” protective strategies she learned as a child. So what happens when we rise into leadership and face disagreement or pushback from more senior leaders, or from peers who were raised to be bold and brave while we were raised to be kind and collaborative? You already know, because you’ve lived it. You soften the recommendation. You over-explain. You wait until you’re sure. I hear it from the women I work with all the time: “If I push back, I’ll come across as difficult.” And they’re not wrong to worry. The people we work with got the same messages growing up. That’s why there are still very different rules for men and women in leadership. Assertive men get called “promising leaders.” Assertive women get labeled “difficult.” Same behaviors, different perceptions. So when it’s hard to speak up or hold your ground, there’s a reason. You’re working with two sets of rules at once: the “good girl” rules you learned as a child, and the different rules the people around you use to judge your leadership. That’s what sits underneath so much of what gets called a confidence problem, and it’s why I finally started teaching about confidence. It may be what’s keeping you from the role you want next, or the influence you know you could have. It matters beyond your own career, too. By the time decisions reach the highest levels of most organizations, women’s perspectives have already been filtered out. Next week, I’ll share why that happens, and what it costs all of us. Here’s to rewriting the rules we were raised on, Denée P.S. If you find yourself caught between those two identities right now, that’s exactly what we work through in a complimentary Leadership Advisory Session. I have a few available this week. Book yours here. Denée Choice, MD, MMM |
Choice Leadership Consulting
For more than 30 years, as a physician, a healthcare executive, and now an executive advisor, I’ve watched accomplished women lead by two sets of rules: the ones they were raised on, and the ones others use to judge their leadership. I help them see both clearly so they stop over-explaining decisions they’re qualified to make, hold their position under pushback, and lead with an ease they didn’t have before.
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